As always, KK is delighted to have our guest blogger Sarah who is helping us to understand the dynamics and emotions of the Dominant and Submissive relationships.
Every D/s dynamic is unique in its own way, and there are various roles one can adopt during play, but ‘topping from the bottom’ is a concept which I feel needs exploring in further detail. ‘Topping from the bottom’ is a phrase used for submissives who attempt to take control of play to get what they want.
Should the submissive choose to ignore an order or command, say ‘no’ with no good reason, or deliberately and continually question or argue with the Dominant, then this may be considered as ‘topping from the bottom’, but is this ever okay?
I feel it is important to reiterate that yes, essentially the submissive has the control. She sets her limits and her boundaries, and of course, her Dominant should respect this. But she also chooses to submit to her Master, because she wants to give up that power.
If the submissive should feel she genuinely does not wish to participate in something, she has her safe word. That is what it is there for, and it can be used whenever needed. The word ‘no’, however, should be used sparingly during play, as this is where the lines can get blurred.
There are certain situations whereby ‘topping from the bottom’ is more common, such as with casual play partners, first encounters, new relationships, or where the submissive is more experienced than the Dominant. A line of communication needs to remain open when two people are still getting to know each other’s limits and boundaries.
‘Topping from the bottom’ is not to be confused with bratiness. A ‘brat’ is a type submissive role play whereby they intentionally test their Dominant’s patience in order to get punished; it’s part of the game and can be fun and playful. However, there is a line that can be crossed which throws the dynamic off completely.
Submission isn’t just about physical punishment; it’s about allowing that one person who knows you so well to get inside your head in ways no one else can. And admittedly, this is the scariest part of BDSM. But if you trust that person not to abuse that power, it can be a truly wonderful feeling.
This isn’t so much a submission: 101, but more a reminder that a D/s relationship is an immersive experience for both parties, and submission is all about the desire to let someone else take control, so why fight it? Undermining him will only detract from his enjoyment as well as yours. Having a little fight in you is great, but where do you draw the line between sassiness and flippancy?
Respecting your Dominant
As a submissive, you should have great respect for your Dominant, both in and out of the bedroom. All D/s relationships should be entered into with complete trust and clarity in order for you both to be fulfilled by it. And subs, you should want to respect your Dominant. If the submissive continually shows signs of resistance, this can be truly upsetting to the Dominant, because it indicates a lack of trust.
Just as lack of direction from the Dominant can impact on the submissive’s experience, resistance to orders can be incredibly frustrating for the Dominant, and puts into question the submissive’s commitment to the dynamic. In order to make things work, you must keep that line of communication open, but take your submissive position seriously at all times.
Some might say rules are meant to be broken. A little eye roll here, a cheeky smile there, sure. But continual rule breaking can be exhausting, and neither the Dominant or submissive will ever learn or grow from this.
Submission isn’t conditional, which is why it is best to agree on terms before starting out on your D/s journey. If your Dominant asks you to do something, you should oblige, because it pleases him, and pleasing him pleases you.
Lying or pretending just to keep your Dominant happy will not benefit you in the long run, because he will never learn what works for you and what doesn’t. It also makes any encounters that follow less genuine, as you’ve taken the control out of his hands. If you feel you can’t complete a task, or you don’t particularly enjoy being spanked with a certain tool, being honest and upfront is the best way to maintain the D/s dynamic. Just saying ‘no’ defeats the point of having rules at all.
For a D/s dynamic to work, you have to be willing to put your pleasure in the hands of the Dominant, and again, you should want to do so. You should trust that he will give you what you need and keep you safe, but also be ready to accept the things he wants and needs from you too.
This doesn’t mean you can’t ask for what you want. Remember, BDSM is a power exchange, and there is nothing wrong with the submissive coming up with suggestions for play, or asking for permission to do something. Taking the initiative will often be rewarded, but there is a difference between being proactive in trying to please your Master and undermining his authority.
It should be your natural instinct to obey and submit to any order or command as long as it is within your agreed limits. If this is not the case, you may need to renegotiate your terms to ensure you’re moving at a pace that’s right for both of you. When you resist relinquishing control, you’ll never hit subspace, and he’ll never be able to fully let go either.
Responding to discipline
Entering in to a D/s relationship is about learning with each other, but in order to grow as not just any submissive, but his submissive, you need to show signs of responding to his discipline. Dominants should introduce rules slowly, to see how the submissive responds to them, and readjust if necessary, but ideally, any concerns should be voiced before putting the rules into practice.
Rules you’ve had with one Dominant won’t be the same with another, so it is important to take the time to listen to what is expected from you as his submissive, and for you to take the time to discuss whether it is something that works for you too.
BDSM is a journey, so keep things light-hearted but take your submission seriously. You and your Dominant are a team, and it is his job to put your pleasure, safety and well-being before anything else. Trusting him with that power is the key to fulfilling your submissive desires.
Hello kittens, my name is Sarah. I’m passionate about all things BDSM and encouraging female sexual liberation. I enjoy good wine, travelling and dancing salsa. You can read more from me on my blog.