As always, KK are delighted to have our guest blogger Sarah who is helping to shed some light on the complicated process of finding the purrfect Dom.
Kittens, the moment you come across that tall, dark and handsome Tom who says he’s going to put you in your place is incredibly exciting. Finding a Dominant who is in sync with your Sub side can be a difficult feat, and it can be all too tempting to jump at the chance of submitting to the first hot bloke who claims he makes Christian Grey look like a pussycat (there’s your first clue…he’s not the one for you).
Having been a Sub in search of a Dominant who actually knows what he’s doing for a very long time, I have quickly learnt the tell-tale signs of a “fake Dom”, and the quicker you realise who you’re dealing with, the better. For many of us, our submissive nature may be something we keep fairly private, and so trying to find your way in the world of kink can be a minefield, especially for those new to the scene.
It can be incredibly disheartening when you’re let down by a “fake Dom”, someone who promises to take you to another universe but instead barely makes it away from his keyboard. Someone who you trust with your deepest, darkest desires only for him to use them against you. That’s not what our community is about. So take heed gentlemen; just because we’re submissive doesn’t mean we won’t call you out on your bullshit. We Subs have got to stick together, remain safe online, and stay proud of who we are until we find someone who truly deserves our submission.
This is probably the most common and most obvious sign of a “fake Dom”. Without any initial conversation or small talk, the demanding Dom will immediately ask you for nude photos, explicit videos and set tasks that they have no real authority over, right from the get-go. You may find yourself chatting to someone in the world of kink and feel pressured into obliging the demanding Dom, for fear of being rejected by the community for being too “vanilla”.
Stand your ground Kittens. The title of Sir is earned, and your submission should never be handed to anyone on a plate, regardless of their chiseled jawline and impeccable abs. Save those sexy selfies for someone you trust! Any self-respecting Dom will work hard for your trust, and would never put things such as your work or family at risk.
#Not respecting limits
Pushing boundaries is what BDSM is all about. In a safe, sane and consensual way that is. At no point should you ever feel genuinely pressured to do something you don’t want to do. One person’s Sub high could be another person’s hard limit. Each and every Sub is different, so don’t compare yourself to anyone. There is no BDSM handbook which tells you what you should be doing at what stage.
If there is something you have highlighted as a hard limit and your “Dom” keeps pestering you to try it, make sure you shut him down immediately. Not only does it kill a scene, but it can completely inhibit your potential to reach Subspace if you are constantly worrying about him taking you over the limit. A D/s relationship is all about reaching that high together, and the journey is different for everyone.
Kittens, I cannot stress enough how much the aftercare is such an important part of a D/s relationship. This is something I have been guilty of not implementing in the past, but it’s absolutely necessary when making your decent from Subspace. It’s different for everyone. Some may like to cuddle, others may prefer to simply binge watch Netflix. Even if you prefer to be alone afterward, it is imperative that you and your Dominant are in agreement on what both of you need after some intense play.
When in discussion with a new Dom about entering a D/s agreement, if he doesn’t talk about how much he wants to look after you as much as he wants to beat and degrade you, he probably learnt everything he knows from Fifty Shades, aka not a lot. It is a Dominant’s duty to ensure the health and wellbeing of the Submissive at all times, so make sure you are in full agreement before you let him get his hands on you. If you at any point feel as though you are not being cared for in the way you want, you get up off your knees and tell him.
#All chat, no action
Ah, the elusive Cyber Dom. Often found to be too shy to show his face but has absolutely no trouble sending you unsolicited dick pics and telling you how he’s going to destroy your ass and make you his filthy cumslut. Kittens, do not, I repeat DO NOT give this person the time of day. This screams catfish, and although his depraved (yet, probably very unoriginal) musings may sound like something you want, because, you know, you’re super horny, I promise you this dude is probably just a serial sexter.
Don’t get me wrong, sexting is fun, but there comes a point when you just need a man to take you. What’s the point in discussing all these dark and dirty fantasies with someone if you’re never actually going to live them out? That’s what we have Porn Hub for. A true Dominant will show you what he wants and how he wants it, rather than hiding behind a screen. If he refuses to even meet you for a coffee, something’s not quite right.
Ultimately, BDSM is based on mutual trust and respect. At no point should the Submissive or Dominant feel they are not good enough for the other. Communication is key, and without this, you cannot experience the full potential of a D/s relationship. If your Dominant does not respect your limits, does not insist on a safeword, and does not reassure you that the use of said safeword is in no way shameful, he is a fake. Being a submissive is about feeling empowered. In relinquishing control we find freedom, all the while knowing we are safe in the hands of our Dominant.
So Kittens, stay vigilant and know your worth. Dominants, or anyone considering entering the world of BDSM, remember that taking on a Sub requires responsibility and a duty of care, it’s not just a cum and run.
Hello kittens, my name is Sarah. I’m passionate about all things BDSM and encouraging female sexual liberation. I enjoy good wine, travelling and dancing salsa. You can read more from me at my blog.