The current conventional description of cuckolding is a man who gets turned on by watching his wife have sex with other men without taking part himself. Cuckolding occurs when a married woman has a sexual encounter with another man with her husband’s full knowledge and consent. She does it because it makes him aroused and reputedly because he is inadequate in bed himself.
Sex Engineer & Relationship Therapist Colin Richards of Intimacy Matters has been working with the phenomena of cuckolding for the past five years and although he agrees somewhat with the humiliation idea he also believes that there are several other motivations why some men enjoy watching their wives or girlfriends have sex with another man.
But first, let’s look at the traditional meaning of cuckold.
Like most people I just had this vague idea that a cuckold was a man worthy of mockery. After working with many couples who explore this I now believe the truth is that being cuckold today means something very different from what it did when the word was first coined.
Cuckold originally meant being the wronged husband of an adulterous wife.The first recorded use, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, was in a satirical poem called “The Owl and The Nightingale.”
The word is derived from the cuckoo bird which is known for laying its eggs in the nests of other birds. Only in this case, instead of eggs, it’s a wife laying with a man who is not her husband. An important part of this definition is the notion that the husband has no idea that his wife is pulling one over on him. Calling a man a cuckold is to mock him, according to this definition. Not only is he not “man enough” to keep his woman from straying he’s also a fool who doesn’t even realize that his wife is cheating on him. Another phrase you’ll often hear bandied about with “cuckold” in the ancient definition of the word is “wearing the horns” or “he’s wearing the horns of a cuckold.”
When someone mentions horns this way, they are referring to the mating rituals of stags.
Cuckolding is a sexual fetish that a lot of people enjoy.
“Cuckolding” or “cucking” is when a man and his partner derive sexual pleasure from the woman having sex with men who are not her partner.
Very often, her partner is “forced” to watch his wife or partner being unfaithful. It’s a fetish that, like many others, is formed in a masochistic love being humiliated.In that way, cuckolding is a subset of the BDSM kink world.
Like with many other kinks, what’s appealing to men who are self-proclaimed cucks is the element of escapism, taking a break from the restrictions of their daily lives.
Comments such as:-
“It’s a stress reliever,” “I know my wife loves me, I know she’s not going anywhere, but the idea that I’m not man enough for her or that she has needs I can’t meet gets me going,” is often cited as the hook.
“It’s atavistic, like, my role as her husband is to give her kids and keep her satisfied, right? But when I’m cucking, it’s taking those expectations and ripping them away. It’s a high like nothing else.’
However, while many other sexual fetishes have become more accepted in the mainstream cuckolding is still something that stays in the closet.
Other possible motivations of the cuckold.
- I want approval from another man by sharing my partner with him.
Colin says “Although not spoken at the time when giving a sensual massage to a wife or girlfriend I often have the male partner ask me if I am enjoying giving her the massage. This seems reminiscent of the time the child shared his toys with the other boys to belong to the gang.’
- Misplaced colonial approval
Cuckolding appears more popular with couples from cultures and ethnicities that were once under colonial rule and there could be to be an unconscious belief that the western male can pleasure his partner better than he can.
- I can not satisfy her in the way she wants
Some men explain that they feel they can not get the approval from their female partner sexually, so the fall back is to gain approval by arranging for another man to give her sexual satisfaction.
- I want to watch a sexually experienced man satisfy my partner so that I can learn how to be a better lover
Unlike watching porn which for many men can be intimidating because of the stereotypical ‘stud’ image of the men involved, learning how to be a better lover from someone who they can relate to can be both arousing and informative.
- A feeling of pleasure of being rejected
Another motivation that I have witnessed more than a few times is that the cuckolded man experiences the feeling of pleasure of being rejected when the actual sex act is taking place but then afterward experiences emotional euphoria when after having this amazingly satisfying sex with another man, his wife or girlfriend always returns to him.
This behaviour is a convoluted process for the husband or boyfriend to feel wanted, needed and loved. The fact that she always returns to him is a bit like the classroom swat beating over the popular sporty jock. This emotional payback seems common with men who, as young boys experienced rejection and lack of affection by their mothers and who only occasionally were rewarded with praise and approval.
Watching a partner enjoy sex with another man recreates the feelings of rejection but her returning to him after the sex gives him feelings of relief and acceptance that the child experienced when the mother eventually noticed him.
There is a masochistic element to some cuckold behaviours though no matter what the negative experience there is always a benefit somewhere. Getting pleasure from feeling jealous may appear odd but if the child lacked pleasure when young but saw other children receive pleasure ( toys, gifts, fun times,) this will often create a psychology where the anticipation of receiving pleasure becomes pleasurable itself.
I had a client who was brought up in an extreme religious sect where all 20-century technology, gifts, birthdays etc. were banned. Even having friends to stay was not permitted. He went to a regular school and was surrounded by children who received all these things. As an adult, he was made to have an arranged marriage and then who after catching his wife having sex with the babysitter found that the fact he was not good enough in bed and then watching another satisfy was very arousing. This developed into a necessary part of his sex life when after watching her have sex with other men even in an in a ‘gang bang’ scenario she would come back to him and then he could become aroused.
Needless to say, when the wife started to refuse to have sex with others since the relationship broke down since all she wanted was for her husband to love her and want her exclusively. However, his need to be cuckolded was so deep that within three months of his next relationship starting he was asking his new girlfriend to have sex with others.
As with any fetish or kink, there is always a psychological or basis to the need. If with a partner who wants to experience a particular fetish or kink that dose does not rock your own boat then you have a choice. You either reject it and run the risk of forcing your partner to go elsewhere or you take time to understand and explore where these feelings originate from and then try to accommodate them in the relationship so that both can be comfortable with them.
The female perspective
One might imagine that the female partner in the cuckold scenario would be overjoyed at being encouraged to have sex with other men, but this is not always the case.
“ I do it for him because I love him and it makes him happy but all I really want is for him to want me”
“ is this his way of telling me he is attracted to men”
“ it makes me feel inadequate because when on our own he cant get aroused, so am I not good enough’
For a man to understand this is difficult because in the reverse many men would be ecstatic if given permission to have sex with another woman with their partner watching. But this is very rare. It is unusual that a female partner enjoys watching her man have sex with another woman unless of course she is bisexual and can be involved herself. More common is to want to watch him with another man!
Women do fantasies about having sex with other men and quite a few follow through these fantasies but generally prefer this without their partner being present. Having his watchful eye over the proceedings can be intimidating and distracting.
Some women do get pleasure from humiliating their male partners but it is a fine balance for women to get this right. It may be that the male partner holds the purse strings and security of the relationship and by either refusing to indulge him in his fantasy or to become emotionally involved with the third man may damage the relationship.
However, if the male partner can no longer get an erection when having sex then sex with other men while he is present can be a practical solution but still have him still feel involved.
So before any couple embarks on a cuckolding experience it is wise to talk through and understand the motivations of the cuckold and the effect the cuckolding may have on his female partner. Seeking out a professional for the first cuckolding occasion can enable the couple to explore but with less risk to their relationship.
Try exploring Cuckolding for the first time with a professional masseur or escort
By exploring ‘Cuckolding’ with a professional, it ensures that the adventure is contained within both sexual and emotional boundaries and that there is no chance that the female would become emotionally involved with the provider. It also allows the couple to create the experience they want rather than to the agenda of the non-professional third party which if handled wrongly can threaten the stability of the relationship.
Possible scenarios to try are
Watch & Enjoy’ Cuckold Couples Massage
The “Watch & Enjoy” cuckold massage is perfect the couple where one partner wants to watch the other partner receive the sensual massage. As well as enjoying seeing their partner experience the pleasures of this massage it also provides a perfect opportunity to learn a few techniques in erotic arousal.
This is good for:
- The female to experience a different touch and sensual dynamic from a man than the one she regularly experiences.
- Women who want to enjoy sensations that they may not have felt before and
- For women who experience difficulty reaching orgasm as a result of the male partner’s lack of skill or patience in giving foreplay. By default, the watching male partner gets to see what can be achieved.
Watch & Touch’ Couples Massage
A”Watch & Touch” massage is probably the most popular style of couples cuckold experience because it enables the female partner to enjoy the therapeutic element of the massage and explore the gradual arousal that it encourages whilst the male partner watches. The watching male partner can then join in and thus maintains the connection between the couple but also becomes an experience with all the excitement and exploration that having two men focussing on one female creates.
This is good for:-
- The woman who has wondered what it would be like to be desired and pampered by two men at the same time.
- The straight or bisexual man who wants to explore his sexuality with his female partner watching and then taking part.
- The gay man who wants to watch his partner enjoy the experience and then join in towards the end.
- Female receiver wants to watch her male partner explore same-sex intimacy
- Male partner wants to perform for his female partner
- Female partner is aware that male partner is bisexual and wants to enable the opportunity safely and without deception.
‘Give Together ‘ Couples Massage
A ‘Give Together ‘style massage is where one partner wants to help give the whole massage to the other partner as 4 hands.
This is good for:-
- My female partner wants to experience 4 hands massage but wants me to be one of the masseurs
- My male partner wants to experience 4 hands but wants me to be one of the masseurs
- We are beginning to explore wider sexual horizons and this seems a great place to start
- I want to learn how to arouse my partner better
- I want to improve my confidence in giving foreplay
Colin is a nationally acclaimed Sex Engineer & Relationship Therapist based in Central London, England. For the past 12 years, Colin has helped men women and couples of all sexualities improve the quality of their relationships and intimate lives. He combines his knowledge of relationship psychology with his skills as a professional sensual masseur to help people achieve a fulfilling sex and love life.
Colin has been featured in Cosmopolitan, The Independent, I News, BBC World Service, and Review Magazine. In November 2015 in Cosmopolitan Magazine Colin was lauded as the man who women went to help achieve orgasm! He now regularly sees women for help in this area and also helps those with sexual fears, and guilt around sex, sexual performance problems and lack of sexual experience.
You can also read Colins latest article with Paisley Gilmour of Cosmopolitan on Why women pay for sexual massage.
To make an appointment with Colin you can contact him via either of his websites
www.massage33.com – Sensual & Psychosensual treatments and workshops for men women and couples
www.intimacymatters.co.uk – Sex and relationship mentoring